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I know, I know, I know. Good touch bad touch is a really tough subject to talk about.
Many of us have personal experience very personal experience with inappropriate touching or childhood sexual abuse, which makes this difficult topic even harder to address.
But we simply must address it. We must get past our personal discomfort and set aside our differences as parents, teachers, and community members, so we can talk about this terrible topic.
Let’s Talk Good Touch Bad Touch.
As with all of the blog posts in my “From the Mouths of Moms” series, this article aims to bring parents together to share and learn from one another. Below, you will find direct quotes from a diverse group of mothers sharing their best advice for teaching kids about good touch bad touch.
No, this is not expert advice. I do have a Master’s Degree in Education and the mamas below each have unique backgrounds and education. But, we are not psychologists or pediatricians. However, we are incredibly dedicated moms with real-life experience parenting children of all ages, abilities, and circumstances.
So as you read through the tips for good touch and bad touch below, try to remain open and kind and loving. You will surely find some bits of wisdom to help you teach your children or students about personal safety in an age-appropriate way.
How to Teach Kids About Good Touch Bad Touch — From Experienced Moms!
1. Know the Facts
“As scary and heartbreaking as the facts about childhood sexual abuse are, I think it’s important for us as parents to know them. It’s hard to hear that ‘1 in 4 girls and 1 in 13 boys in the United States experience child sexual abuse,’ and not be motivated to act.” Krissy of B-Inspired Mama (Read more current statistics at the CDC’s Fast Facts: Preventing Child Sexual Abuse.)
2. Use “Safe–Unsafe” Instead of “Good–Bad”
“As a child protective services worker and having focused my masters degree on investigating asexual abuse, I think your article is fairly well written. A couple of things that can make a difference is changing the language from good touch-bad touch to safe and unsafe. Kids will often associate bad touch as something painful when sexual abuse doesn’t always cause physical pain. Sometimes kids are aroused and it feels good to the bodies and may not understand that it is bad touch. Safe and unsafe taking the feeling part out. It is easier for kids to talk about and explain if something happens when it is talked about in the context of safety.” Skylar
3. Talk Casually and Talk Often
“While it’s important to convey the seriousness of the subject, I think it helps to keep conversations about good touch bad touch casual. It helps kids feel comfortable talking about it and asking questions. And it’s definitely not a one-time conversation. So I try to weave it into relevant times, like during potty time or while giving them a bath time.” Krissy from B-Inspired Mama
4. Teach Kids Ownership of Their Body
“I began telling my children at about 18 months that they own their bodies saying, ‘Your body is all yours.’ And, that no one has a right to touch them unless it’s okay with them. Now at age 2 and 3, they know their body belongs to them and that they can reserve certain parts as ‘private.” Chrissy of The Outlaw Mom
5. Use Correct Names for Private Parts
“I always used anatomically-correct names for body parts during diaper changes and bath time. Penis, vagina, breasts
, and nipples. My husband thought it was weird. But I think that’s actually a reflection of his own embarrassment. And the whole point is to keep my kids from feeling too embarrassed to talk to me or their doctor about their own private body parts.” Krissy from B-Inspired Mama
6. Define and Discuss Private Parts
“In the guidance lessons in Kindergarten classes, children were told that if your swimsuit covers it, it’s a private area, and no one should be seeing or touching that area. Tell a grown-up if someone is touching you in the wrong places because it’s a Mommy and Daddy’s job to keep you safe. It’s a simplified version but easy for younger children to understand.” Kim from The Educators’ Spin On It
7. Think Beyond Just Private Parts, Too
“I work in Child Welfare and we generally teach that the ‘swimsuit rule’ is potentially dangerous as most predators who have an ongoing relationship with the child will not begin by touching the child in the sensitive areas but will begin by rubbing their back or stroking the hair. And children, because they are literal creatures, will think, ‘Well, I don’t like it, but it must be okay because it’s not covered by my swimming suit.’ And then by the time the predator moves to the sexual areas, it may be too late as the grooming process is fully underway. So, we recommend the line be ANY touch/space intrusion that makes the child uncomfortable. It may also [be] easier for a child to disclose touch that is not in sensitive areas that will allow us to catch potential problems earlier.” Liz
8. Establish a Respect for Privacy
“She gets to decide who sees her body. So if she wants the door shut while she’s changing clothes or taking a bath, honor that. If you’re a parent who’s seen that little body since day one, this may be hard to accept. But it’s not about you. If she hasn’t asked for privacy, you can start pointing out situations where you need privacy and explain that’s why you close the door. Like when you go to the bathroom, take a shower, or get dressed. She needs to know it’s okay to set boundaries for who sees your body and when.” Kelly of Happy You Happy Family (Read more of Kelly’s tips at 5 Important Steps That Will Help Protect Your Child From Sexual Abuse.)
9. Empower Kids to Say No
“I also always stressed that if someone touched them in a way they didn’t like, tell that person to stop and to always tell me about it. Keeping the lines of communication open, even with and especially with, our private areas is of utmost importance!” Laura from Play Dr Mom
10. Practice How to Say No and How to Tell
“My kids and I practice what they should say and do if they are ever touched or asked to show their own private parts. I teach them to be clear and firm. ‘No, I don’t like that. Stop!’ And we practice the words they can use if they need to tell me or another trusted adult.” Krissy from B-Inspired Mama
11. Identify “Red Flag” vs “Green Flag” People
“The book [I Said No! A kid-to-kid Guide to Keeping Private Parts Private by Zack and Kimberly King] teaches a child to identify ‘red flag’ and ‘green flag’ people as a way to know which adults you can feel safe and comfortable with. The book also talks extensively about treats, bribes, and threats and how they might be used to make a child do something they aren’t comfortable with.” Jenae of I Can Teach My Child (Read more of Jenae’s children’s safety book recommendations.)
12. Explain Safe Touch
“In our discussions, I have talked about how, on rare occasions, parents and doctors might have to do something they won’t like to keep them safe and give them concrete examples — like getting a shot at the doctor’s office or being pulled out of the street. I did switch pediatricians at one point because I felt like the one we were seeing was not taking the time to talk with my child. The one we go to now is excellent at explaining why something has to happen, even though that sometimes makes the visit take much longer.” MaryAnne from Mama Smiles
13. Discuss Touching Someone Else
“You need to be matter of fact when teaching your children that no person should ever be asking them to touch their private areas and they should never be asked to touch anyone else in those parts. Lots of parents out there will often forget the latter of these two things, but it is equally important. This is because child sexual abuse does sometimes start off with an adult asking them to either touch another person or to touch themselves.” Angela of The Inspiration Edit (Read more of Angela’s advice at How to Help Your Child Speak Up About Sexual Abuse.)
14. Talk About Just Seeing, Too
“It is also so important to speak to children about what to do if someone exposes themselves, but there is no touching involved. ‘If you see somebody else’s private parts, you should do your best to leave / stop looking / tell the person to stop and tell a trusted adult as soon as possible.’ This phrasing opens it up for multiple scenarios — from walking in on an older sibling masturbating to porn to a predator situation.” Caitica
15. Dispel Curiosity About Pornography
“I had an abusive experience as a child that began by being introduced to pornography. It’s tricky, because it’s natural for children to be curious about it. So, I tried to dispel that curiosity a bit by discussing it with my children quite early. Besides, I want them to learn about these things from me rather than from peers. How you approach it depends on your personal beliefs, but I explained that it isn’t necessarily shameful for adults to watch in moderation. But just like movies use editing and special effects to make things look a certain way, most porn isn’t anything like real sex anyway. So, I explain that it’s really unhealthy for kids to view it.” Krissy of B-Inspired Mama
16. Dispel Shame Over Feelings of Pleasure
“I started by teaching my kids about their body parts so that they grew comfortable with their anatomy. This meant they understood sexual reproduction in early childhood. This opened the door to talk about masturbation, which I feel is critical, as abusers often tell children that it is their fault because they enjoyed the stimulation during abuse. Letting my boys know that the pleasure taken from personal sexual touch isn’t shameful, meant that should someone try to groom them this way, they would be one step ahead of them.” Emma for Refined Prose (Read more of Emma’s advice in This Morning’s Resident Psychologist, Emma Kenny, on How to Prevent Sexual Abuse.)
17. Never Force Hugs and Kisses
“I don’t force my daughter to hug someone if she doesn’t want to. I know that a hug from a loving adult isn’t a bad touch, but I feel like this empowers my daughter to feel like she has control over her physical body.” Rebekah from The Golden Gleam
18. Try “Handshake, Hug, or High Five?”
“Our youngest isn’t always so keen to hug her dad goodnight sometimes. I can’t say that it doesn’t hurt his feelings, I know it does… But he is amazing in that he respects her choices. So we ask her if she wants to give Daddy a handshake, hug, or high five. Usually she’ll choose one of these. Sometimes, not. And that’s okay.” Andie of Do Play Learn (Find more tips from Andie on Talking About Consent with Children.)
19. Differentiate “Good Secrets” from “Bad Secrets”
“Last night [we] talked about the concept of good secrets [and] bad secrets. A good secret is keeping a surprise for Mummies [sic] birthday, a bad secret is any one that makes the child feel uneasy inside. If we could just install this one single thing in every child, that it is always OK to tell a bad secret to a responsible adult, then that would be a marvellous step forward.” Michelle of Mummy From The Heart
20. Explain That “Don’t Tell” = Tell!
“I explained to my kids from your belly button to your knees are your private areas and that goes for everyone not just kids. Also that no matter what if either a grown up or another kid tells you not tell. The first thing you do is tell mommy or daddy, even if you think you will get in trouble cause safety first.” Brittney
21. Cultivate an Environment of Honesty
“I would suggest that trying to have an environment of honesty in your home and with your children is one way to ensure that your children would speak to you if they were worried about the way someone was behaving towards them.” Rebecca of Motherhood: The Real Deal (Read more of Rebecca’s thoughts on How to Spot the Signs of Child Abuse and Act On Them.)
22. Trust Your Intuition — And Teach Kids to Trust Theirs!
“If we start asking our kids how they feel about situations immediately as they happen, we can teach them to recognize their feelings in situations and also how to vocalize them.” Kara of Extremely Good Parenting (Read more of Kara’s advice on Tough Questions About Child Abuse That Even Great Parents Ask.)
23. Read Books About Physical Safety
“Children’s books are always a safe and effective way to connect with kids. I found a great time to talk to my kids about good touch and bad touch while reading a children’s book about the human body. But, there are plenty of great children’s books about good touch bad touch and stranger danger, too.” Krissy from B-Inspired Mama
24. Always Believe Your Child!
“Molesters work hard to ensure that either, 1. children don’t tell, or 2. that they won’t be believed. Remember that molesters groom entire families using charm, charisma and finesse. With the children they may threaten harm to the child or a family member. As few as 40% of incidents of child molestation are ever reported. And the main reason is that children fear they will not be believed. … Always let your child know that you will believe him.” Karen of Intentional Family Life (Read more of Karen’s thoughts in I Will Always Believe You.)
Books About Good Touch Bad Touch for Kids:
Now, check out these helpful children’s books for teaching kids good touch and bad touch that you can purchase on Amazon…
Body Boundaries Make Me StrongerHuman Body Activity Book for Kids: Hands-On Fun for Grades K-3Teach Your Dragon Body SafetyNo Means No!Your Whole Body: From Your Head to Your Toes, and Everything in Between!Some Secrets Should Never Be KeptYes! No!: A First Conversation About ConsentWhere Hands Go: An Introduction to Safe and Unsafe TouchBodies Are CoolI Have The Power To Get Out: A Children’s Guide on Body SafetyMy Body Belongs to Me from My Head to My ToesConsent (for Kids!): Boundaries, Respect, and Being in Charge of YOU
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More Parenting Resources from B-Inspired Mama:
- 20 Tips for How to Potty Train — From the Mouths of Moms
- How to Discipline and Manage Behavior — From the Mouths of Moms
- 12 Tips to Promote Good Family Health — From the Mouths of Moms
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Jatinder kumar says
Hey Krissy.
Would you be able to prescribe great nurturing books to instruct guardians on the most proficient method to educate and move toward security contact to their kids.
What’s more, what great books to show kids in pre k are recommended?
Much thanks to You,
jatinder
Jatinder kumar says
As hard as it’s miles to speak about this with kids, I suppose maximum humans are suitable approximately explaining that humans should not contact their non-public parts. However, I discovered from Gavin DeBecker (who regarded on Oprah) which you ought to additionally speak that your infant should not contact others. Predators will say matters like, “Don’t worry. I might not contact you. You contact my…” DeBecker wrote a book “The Gift of Fear” approximately trusting your personal instincts and “Protecting the Gift” approximately preserving youngsters secure from predators.
T. sears says
I just want to point out something that is missing in this conversation, the grooming process doesn’t always make a child feel uncomfortable. My grooming started with touches I enjoyed (soft touches on my hands, hair, etc.) they stayed that way for a long time, then they moved to inappropriate places, in a soft soothing manner. He convinced me he would get in trouble and my mom wouldn’t let him touch me in such nice ways. These were the same ways my mom did (I loved having my back lightly rubbed when it was nap time.)
Anyway uncomfortable feelings need to be talked about, but a groomer that is good at it, may not make the child uncomfortable. They are so slow to get to the inappropriate stuff, the child may not even realize it.
Krissy of B-Inspired Mama says
Thank you for sharing this; you are absolutely right.
pixie says
Sometimes it can be looking at a child inappropriately, or peeking while she is showering or changing. Even if the child notices this and especially if it is someone from the family, the child might not speak about it. I think the child should be asked to speak to the mother openly from a very young age, a mother should give the space and freedom for the child to come and speak openly to you even regarding the smallest things that upset her.
Krissy of B-Inspired Mama says
Yes! That is such a good point. I know someone personally who experienced such “peeping” as a child – in her home. 🙁
And you are so right – that the most important part of all is the openness to speak to a parent/mother about anything that seems unusual or uncomfortable.
Karen says
I don’t know if you will see this comment but if you do please respond. How do you address these situations or talk to a toddler about this stuff? I’m struggling and confused right now 😩
Krissy of B-Inspired Mama says
Great question. I think we all struggle with this type of topic. It’s frustrating to have to deal with it at all, right? I am not an expert by any means, but based on my instincts and parenting experience I would begin using correct anatomical language, treat these areas like normal parts of their body, and communicate (like during bathtime/diaper change) that their body is their own and to be celebrated and that these parts are private. Even if a toddler may not understand everything, you may not realize how much they are actually picking up and understanding, you know? You can also teach simple “NO” (a word toddlers love, right? ha!) and make sure to RESPECT their NOs that are in relation to their body especially (i.e., not forcing hugs). I will have to work on posts specifically for toddlers and for Children’s Books that can be used to teach this, too. Thanks so much for the comment!
Sachin Shah says
This is a really important topic and yet most people are just ashamed to share such things. It is necessary that we make our kids understand the difference between good touch and bad touch to keep them safe and prevent any wrong happenings. I am proud you have shared this post. Thanks!
Krissy of B-Inspired Mama says
Thanks for the encouragement. I’m a believer that if we communicated more openly about this subject and reduced the shame associated with it for the victims, it would go a long way to helping reduce occurrences!
Satyajit says
What if the child likes a touch ?
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
That can be a very relevant concern as the touch can be pleasurable physically and even sometimes emotionally for a child. So that, obviously, would be very confusing for that child. However, anytime an adult touches a minor child in a sexual way, it is inappropriate and abusive, regardless of the adult’s intentions or how it makes the child feel.
While I am NOT a professional – only a mom and abuse survivor myself – I would personally explain it exactly that way to my child.
But I would highly recommend reaching out to a professional and/or pediatrician if you are experiencing this personally or with your child. Here is another resource where you can get help:
If you want to talk to someone anonymously, call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 800.4.A.CHILD (422-4453), any time 24/7.
Margaret says
Amazing you mentioned this. I’ll never forget the Oprah episode where a victim of sexual abuse told no one because she felt guilty for enjoying it physically. I understood her 100% because I was her. Don’t forget, a lot of these perpetrators touch them gently because they know this. They are hard-core manipulators and know just what to do and say to make our children feel ashamed. While they may enjoy it physically, the mental ramifications of being introduced to sexual touch at such a young age leads to drug abuse, promiscuity, depression, suicide…..and many more. I can’t stress enough how important this feeling of guilt must be part of the overall conversation. Why do you think little boys grab and stretch their penises often, it feels good and it’s their body to touch if they choose to. No one else has that right.
Krissy of B-Inspired Mama says
Yes, so true and so important! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience. I’m sorry you had to go through that, too.
Lisa says
Hi
Can any one suggest any books that would be good for children with special needs on this subject. My daughter is 8 with autism and I have taught her what is wrong and wright with touching and to talk to me if it ever happens. Recently I have found out my friends son has asked questions and touched where he shouldn’t be. I have removed my daughter from the situation and she no longer sees him. The boy is six and is behind ( possibly global developmental delay) but no diognosis as yet and he just doesn’t seem to get how wrong what he is doing is. Is there any thing out there that may be helpful to read. Many thanks in advance for any advice
Aurora says
I think is helpful im totally would talk my daughter about this i want her to be safe and dont want no one to hurt her
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
So smart. I’m happy you found this helpful!
Erin Gilliam says
I’m about to have my first child, a boy and while I am soo excited.. This is one topic that I dread coming to in his life. I hear so many horror stories and it’s not that I dont want to talk to my son about them or make him aware, of course I do. The thought of anything like this happening to him rips me apart. His dad, my fiance, was assaulted by his (male) cousin at the age of 6…. 6 years old. He’s 23 now and he just told his mom last year. I convinced him after he told me and we had a long long talk about it. He said it affected him. The way he talks to people, the way he interacts with people, especially other guys. It all made so much sense. He is not like his twin brother atall, who is outgoing, talkative, a people person. No. My man is pretty shy, doesnt really know how to communicate, and doesnt have the greatest confidence. He hasthe biggest heart of anyone I have ever met though. I love him so so much. I dont treat him any different but I do make sure to tell him that if he ever wants to go talk to someone, just tell me and I will support him 100%
Abyway our first son is arriving in November! And I dont knowhoeto bring up the future subject with my fiance about how we will talk to our child about it. This article helped me alot though, so thank you!
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
I’m so so happy to hear this blog post helped you. And I’m so so sorry to hear about your fiance’s experience as a child. It definitely shapes you and affects you for life. I’m sure he’s grateful to have your support. And I know, since you’re thinking about, reading about, and communicating about this subject already in regards to your son, you’re going to be a great mama! Congrats.
Corner Garden Sue says
Hi, I found this after doing a search, “How to explain to an 8 year old why he shouldn’t touch women’s butts.” This may be an interesting topic for a post. While it is important to help children avoid being preyed upon, it is also good to make sure they understand appropriate touching as it applies to them. I overreacted the third time he did it today, and told him that when he gets older, and touches a woman’s butt, he could go to jail for it. I need to talk to him and explain it better, but am not sure what to say.
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
Oh yes, that would be a good idea for a separate post. I know – especially in our current culture – that it’s hard for kids to navigate what is appropriate and what isn’t. Thank you for your input.
Chelsey says
Thank you for writing this article! The more we talk about body safety the less uncomfortable of a topic it becomes. One thing to consider, referring to a “bad” touch can be confusing for a child who may actually think the touch felt good. Helping kids understand the difference between safe and unsafes touches is important.
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
Oh that’s a great point. I used “good touch bad touch” primarily because that’s what I researched as far as how most people are searching for the information. But safe and unsafe does seem much more appropriate. Thank you for sharing!
T says
I am teaching my kids that if their t-shirt and shorts cover it, it is a private part. That leaves elbows down to hands and knees to feet.
If you suspect something is happening, FIRST remove them from the threatening situation and call your local Children’s Advocacy Center. They can help you get things figured out. Going through it right now! They have been more help in 1 phone call than the pediatrician has been in emails and phone calls.
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
Thank you so much for this advice. And I’m so sorry you are going through this. Yes, a local children’s advocacy agency is a great resource. It is disappointing to hear that the pediatrician isn’t more helpful, though. 🙁
Sue says
Hi Krissy – I still don’t feel as though I’m getting the right advice on what to say to a 7 year old that has been inappropriately touched at a younger age and it probably aroused him and now he is wanting to touch others secretly. What is the appropriate thing to say to him so that he is not shamed. But knows how serious it is that it is not appropriate to touch others.
Krissy of B-Inspired Mama says
Boy, that’s a tough one. First, I’m sorry you even have to do this. It’s so frustrating that we even have to be thinking and talking about this subject, right?!
I am obviously NOT a professional, so I would first say to consult with a counselor – hopefully one with experience in children and abuse. But in my non-professional opinion… I think I would make sure he knows that having those feelings are understandable and okay. Part of our biology – maybe read a book about the science of it? But I would follow up with how it is okay for him to touch himself for exploration and pleasure, with clean hands and in a private setting (the bathroom, his bed when he’s alone), but it’s never okay to touch others or let others touch you. Of course, I understand that depends on your beliefs about masturbation. I choose to embrace it as being a natural, biological, and even healthy tendency. And while one might not talk about it or encourage it in a child so young, his unfortunate experience of being abused when he was younger warrants it.
I hope this helps. And this is such a great question that probably others are grappling with… would you might if I quoted your comment in a blog post? I could credit it to “Sue” or even just “an anonymous reader.”
Ivy says
I also recently experienced this from my 6yo nephew. I was sleeping in my room and awoken by a caress at my butt and a sound of a kiss from behind. I was so shocked when I turned around and saw him naked. Due to panic, I asked him what was he doing in a shouting manner and he ran outside the room. Afterwards, I informed his mom and he was asked to say sorry to me. I know he’s jsut a kid, but I felt harrased and scared, so I started locking my bedroom door whenever I’m sleeping. Am I over reacting?
Btw, I will use the tips here for me to be able to talk to his mom so as his mom can teach him about the bad touch and good touch.
I hope you can share some advise on what I have experienced. Thank you
Krissy of B-Inspired Mama says
I’m sorry you experienced this, Ivy. I do not think you are overreacting; your feelings are important and justified. It is unfortunate that your reaction was loud and harsh as it scared him away which prevented discussion about it, but it is understandable given the situation. (And we all have a hard time managing reactions sometimes in much less emotionally-charged situations.)
However, I have a hard time believing a child that young would do what he was doing with malicious intent. Instead, I wonder where/how your nephew learned of the sexual behavior. I feel like he must have either witnessed it (in person, in media such as tv or internet?) or experienced it (been sexually molested?). I feel very worried for this child and sad that he likely had this sexual exposure at such a young age.
First, in my opinion, it is VERY important that you inform his parent(s) of the incident IMMEDIATELY. I would do so in a calm, non-confrontational way. Approach them with a demeanor of LOVE and CONCERN and with the intention to HELP and not accuse. You don’t want to seem as if you are angry or ashamed or suggesting their child is bad. Focus on the behavior; not on labeling the child. The behavior/incident was unusual and inappropriate. The child is just a child, who likely learned it from somewhere/someone. They will hopefully talk with him in a calm, non-shaming way and ask him about any exposure he may have had to sexual imagery, media, and/or physical behavior. Hopefully, they will also talk to him about good touch/bad touch and what is and is not appropriate. And they will hopefully also ask other adults he has exposure to whether they have noticed any similar behavior. And they will hopefully keep a very close eye on him for recurring sexual behavior.
If the parent(s) get defensive and don’t seem to be concerned with the behavior, you *might* want to consider reporting the incident and your concerns to a professional, such as a counselor who can help you navigate further actions or even the child welfare authorities. However, I’m not suggesting reporting to authorities flippantly, but with careful consideration of many factors (reaction/action of parents, supervision of the child, suspicion of physical abuse, etc.).
What a tough situation to be in. I’m sorry. I hope this has helped! But I encourage you to speak with someone more qualified than myself, such as a licensed counselor.
MEITU says
This is such a well compiled article… Can’t thank you enough for putting these points the way you have.
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
Thank you for the positive feedback. I hope it helps families!
Kimberley says
Thank you for this helpful list! I am currently writing some lessons to teach children about good and bad touches and this has really helped understand it from a parent’s point of view.
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
So glad it helps, Kimberley!
Marie says
I am having an issue with my daughter showing her private parts at preschool. She is 5 and going to start kindergarten soon… I’ve talked to her about this and it still seems to be happening? Ive also talked to her doctor about it and hw says its just her age. Any suggestions?
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
I’m sorry you’re having this trouble. I do think that some of it is typical childhood exploration and behavior, but I can see your concern and need to teach her not to do this. I am not an expert by any means, but here are my thoughts… Keep it low key; don’t shame her or punish her over it. The more alarm and attention you give to it, she might play off that and do it more or develop shame that can last forever. I would have some casual conversations with her (I often have these during bath time with my kids) about which parts of her body are private and which are not. I would include lots of questions about if she has ever seen others show their parts in school or public. (Just to cover your bases to make sure she isn’t modeling this from someone else.) What have her teachers said about it? How have they dealt with it with her?
skylar says
As a child protective services worker and having focused my masters degree on investigating asexual abuse, I think your article is fairly well written. A couple of things that can make a difference is changing the language from good touch-bad touch to safe and unsafe. Kids will often associate bad touch as something painful when sexual abuse doesn’t always cause physical pain. Sometimes kids are aroused and it feels good to the bodies and may not understand that it is bad touch. Safe and unsafe taking the feeling part out. It is easier for kids to talk about and explain if something happens when it is talked about in the context of safety.
Also as you mentioned regularly checking in with kids about safety in all areas including sexual abuse, in a light hearted manner will allow kids to feel comfortable speaking up. The people most likely to offend have developed a relationship with the kids. Reminding kids that it is not safe for anyone, mom and dad included, to touch their bodies in a way that is unsafe or uncomfortable. Having the conversation on multiple occasions is important as kids grow and develop will help them understand what is appropriate.
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
Thank you so much for this perspective! I had only ever heard it called that from when I was growing up. But I can completely see your point regarding speaking about it as safe versus unsafe as well.
Leo says
I think you ought to accompany the rule about “ownership of your body” with another rule: Don’t be bribed. When I was young, a group of peers told me that “If you let us [do something inappropriate], you can be in our club.” In retrospect it is clear to me that (a) at least some of them were sexually knowledgable in a way that was not age-appropriate (probably victims of abuse themselves) and (b) because this was supposedly a voluntary exchange I did not perceive it, at the time, as a form of abuse.
When raising our own children, my wife and I tried to teach them that their bodies are a gift from God, rather than theirs to do whatever they want with. If other parents are not religious believers, they may be able to translate this idea into a framework they are comfortable with, perhaps based on the idea that little children can’t make certain decisions for themselves until they are older. In any case, “you own your body” needs some reservations.
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
Thank you so so much for sharing your difficult experience, Leo. You are very right about the bribing. And also about the seemingly voluntary exchange. It can be very confusing to a child. I had never thought about the “You Own Your Body” idea in that way, but as a new Christian, it makes a lot of sense to me.
Jennifer Hillman says
I love that you are discussing this topic! It is so taboo; however, we need to be discussing it every day with our children so that the darkness has nowhere to hide. For parents out there, we have just launched our educational program that discusses how to appropriately address this with children. We use ‘The Five B’s’ in our program and I have seen amazing results with our own baby girls 🙂 You can find our award winning DVD program at: http://www.baileybeebelieves.com. Best of luck to you!
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
Thanks so much for sharing your program, Jennifer! The more we talk about it and share resources the better!!
Jean says
There is a 4-year-old boy at a play group I go to that likes to “explore” by getting really close to people and touching them in really personal ways — not openly sexual ways, but just really overly “exploratory.” I had a recent experience in which he stroked my legs up to my skirt and was going to go under it … but I held his hand and stopped him there and wouldn’t let him do it again. His mother was right there (I was talking to her) and she said to him “Don’t do that because she doesn’t like to be touched.” In my mind I was thinking, ‘”Mom, don’t turn around and make this my problem; your kid has a problem with going too far with his ‘explorations.’ ” But I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to be rude. I’ve had a few other instances with this child getting really close to me and stroking my boots, stroking the side of my sweater or my shoulder (not reaching the breast, but just really uncomfortably close). He does it with other people too, but they are a little more lenient and go with the flow — however, I’ve moved away or moved his hand away to solve the problem and I don’t let it continue.
I’ve kind of thought that his parents need to teach him manners when it comes to how he interacts with others since he has a space boundary issue. I also think this child, if he continues like this, might gravitate toward an abuser who will give him the “too close, too personal” touch he craves. Anyway, just something to think about — in being proactive with your children.
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
Thanks for sharing that, Jean. I know lots of kids have trouble with boundaries like this that aren’t at all in a sexual manner. Especially kids with sensory issues (SPD?) who seek out textures through touch. I think you handle it well. But yes, I think it would be especially important for parents of children like this to teach appropriate boundaries.
suresh ranka says
the title may be modified as “Alright, Papas & Mamas, how do you teach your kids about good touch bad touch?”
Rebekka says
I’d love to add to this:
I discuss the concept of “consent” with my 5 & 2 year old. We talk about touching others only after asking if it’s okay (it’s a work in progress) and really emphasize that we don’t have to hug or kiss anyone unless we want to. We love the high five alternative! I believe that the concept of saying “yes” and “no” is so important for children to understand when they grow up.
We also talk about safe and healthy places to touch their own penis or bum (we decided on the bath & bedroom) and remind them that no person should touch these very special parts, save for themselves (and mama, papa and certain family members when bathing or changing bums). When I do change his bum, I try to describe what I’m doing (I.e., “there is poop on your penis and I need to clean around it, okay?” With very few exceptions, I’ve tried not to force or pin him down to change his diaper.
Finally, we refrain from using shame based or negative language when kids are touching themselves. We gently remind them that they have their safe place to explore their “bodies” and that they are welcome to take a moment if they need to.
I kind of love it when I hear my 5 year old tell our wee babe that “no one touches my penis but me”. Yet, he’s the first to jump on someone to give them a hug. Like all things, this is a work in progress; the discussion is on going and the details around “why” will evolve as they both grow. For now, correct language, safe places and safe touching is where we are at.
I’d love to hear more about what others think/do when discussing this really important topic.
Natasha says
Talking about this is really important!!!! Seriously important. No one I mean NO ONE!!! Ever told me to have this conversión with my daughter but I did a few months after turning 2. It was my mother instinct. I had been molested as a teen. I told an adult but was told to hush so I did. But as soon as my daughter started talking really well I gave her that talk. Sincé I became a single mother and was going to spend less time with my daughter. I wanted to let her know she can trust me. Well a few months later she told me what I always feared. But this time I didnt stay silent I spoke till I was Heard. Because it was not about me but my daughter I needed to protect. Its weeks as she has forgotten what happened to her. She is now 5. And seeing this gives me different ways of re-approaching the topic. Im not going to lie I am scared of the past coming back ( not from the same person but hearing those words again). But I did a couple night ago while bathing her. This article needs to be read by every parent. Its really important!!! And trust your kids!!!
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
Oh I’m so so sorry that you had to experience this first-hand – yourself and as a parent. Thank you so much for sharing your story, Natasha! It is so important to break the silence and teach our children over and over again as they grow.
Kyri says
Thank you so much for this article. As a first time mum I didn’t realise to start so early about this topic to discuss with my 18month old. Will definitely share this article with my husband and family and introduce this important topic into our every day routine. No one ever speaks about it and haven’t heard friends discuss this will def bring up in my mothers group today.
KP says
What books are recommended to read to children?
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
I don’t know of any at the moment. My mom actually gave me one she used for me when I was little that I then read to my kids. But you make me realize that a post about that would be helpful.
Brittney says
I find it a difficult conversation to have with my kids. I am kinda growing with them in a sense. So I explained to my kids from your belly button to your knees are your private areas and that goes for everyone not just kids. Also that no matter what if either a grown up or another kid tells you not tell. The first thing you do is tell mommy or daddy, even if you think you will get in trouble cause safety first.
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
That’s a really good point, Brittney. To tell them that if someone tells them “don’t tell,” it actually means that SHOULD tell mommy or daddy. Thanks for that!
katee says
This is actually the very thing that helped my child come forward and let us know that someone we trusted was behaving inappropriately. I had told them that if someone tells you not to tell, it is because you should tell and they only want you to keep quiet so they won’t get in trouble. We first broached this subject with our children when we noticed them ‘exploring’ their sexuality. I thank God that I took the time to speak to them on appropriate and inappropriate touch that day. It is what made the difference just a couple years later.
Krissy of B-Inspired Mama says
I’m SO glad to hear your talks with your children made them comfortable enough to talk to you. And hopefully, avert something even worse. My heart breaks for children who don’t have parents who have had these conversations with them. And for parents who might not have had them soon enough.
Jenelle says
Really important topic and thank you for sharing. Question- how do I explain to my in laws that my daughter does not have to hug or kiss them if she doesn’t want to or that they can’t grab her and kiss her after she says no to the kiss. Culturally this is not acceptable as they are her elders, etc… I know to just tell them it is not to offend them but to protect her but they don’t get it. Makes me not want them around her… Suggestions to be culturally sensitive but explicitly firm?
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
I’m not sure I have much advice here. Maybe some sort of compromise? A hug to grandparents is okay, but no kisses? I really don’t know! Such a difficult situation.
anonymous says
My 2 children were molested by a neighbor at the ages of 2 and 4. We had followed many of these guidelines and talked about private areas often. The touching occurred more than once but luckily remained superficial. When I asked my daughter why she hadn’t told me she said he told her to keep it a secret.
It is now a huge part of our family discussions that we don’t keep secrets. (surprises are ok because there is a planned time to tell about the secret like when they open their birthday present). No matter how hard you try you may not be able to protect your kids from everything, and them knowing they can talk o you and you will believe them is a huge part of protecting them so if something does happen (which statistically it will to 1 in 3 girls) you can respond appropriately.
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
I’m so sorry you – and she – had to experience that. But thank you so so much for sharing. You bring up an interesting point about the different between secrets and surprises. And it makes me realize that we make “secrets” and sort of fun thing with silly games with young kids and maybe we shouldn’t!
Anonymous says
Hello,
I am a new mother, and am already thinking about the future. Thank you for this article. My parents gave me, “Don’t let anyone touch you here, here, or here.” That was it, I didn’t understand why, but understood that it was important. I also never had any talks about sex. So when I got curious, I didn’t feel comfortable discussing the topic with my parents. I actually remember asking my mother what a virgin was, because I had heard it on the television. She looked at me and stated, “Something you should be for a very very long time!” Her statement confused me, because the people on tv acted like it was a bad thing, and she was acting like it was a good thing. Talk about mixed signals. I don’t even think I was 10 years old yet.
In high school, I remember I was staying with one of my friends and she stated that her mother’s boyfriend asked to dance with her and slipped his hands down and touched her on her behind. I just looked at her in shock. She said it was normal, and that he said it was normal. I told her that it wasn’t normal, and that she needed to tell her mom immediately. This actually happened while her mother was in the next room. She also wasn’t convinced at first that it was wrong until I talked about why it was wrong with her.
It is so, so important to talk to our children, from toddler to young adult, about safety. If they ask a question, don’t confuse them by deflecting. Answer the question to the best of your ability. If you don’t know how to answer, tell them you need time to think of how to explain it and come back to it within a couple of days. They understand a lot more than we think.
Our children need to feel comfortable enough to tell us anything, especially the harder things to discuss. Who do you want them going to? The internet? Friends? It may be hard to discuss, but it is about safety and trust. We can go through a little discomfort if it means our children are safer. Thank you so so so much for this article!
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
And thank YOU so so much for your comment. It is so interesting – and sad – that there are so many confusing mixed signals for children about sex and sexuality. And you bring up such a good point about talking with children and being honest with them to try to dispel that confusion.
Meredith says
Fantastic article! As a sexual abuse victim myself (I was molested by my grandfather) I taught our girls VERY early about having ownership over their own body. I love all of your points and they are spot on. The additions are great and necessary as I fully agree with the fallacy with the swimsuit idea. My abuser groomed me with other types of physical touch and it made me feel VERY uncomfortable, but I felt helpless. I would note that let your child know that you be there for them no matter what and that you’ll love them no matter what. My grandfather told me that if I told my Mom or my Grandma that they would not love me anymore. That came fresh after the death of my father. At 8 yrs. old I was terrified of losing the love of 2 very important people in my life.
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
Oh Meredith – thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry you have to experience that. Thank you for bringing up the other “grooming” physical touch that is still inappropriate and also about reassuring our children that we would love them no matter what!!
Rachel says
Hi!! I found this article very helpful thank you! My daughter is about to turn 3 and this topic makes me so uncomfortable, it’s very important to my husband but he also has no idea how to talk to his 2 little girls about it. This helped me a lot.
My only question is that I’m potty training and my daughter HATES being wiped. I have no reason to believe anything has ever happened to her but it does make me concerned. Also, I want to empower her to be able to say “No” to even the most trusted people (besides me and her dad, but I do believe that predators can come in any package) but she says “no” almost every time I have to wipe after she goes #2. She wipes herself after #1 but I don’t think she could get herself clean enough after #2 yet. Any suggestions or should I just let it ride it’s course?
anonymous says
try kandoo wipes. They are wet and may be more comfortable on the sensitive area. And if you call them big kid wipes they may be more inclined because they don’t feel like a baby being wiped.
Natasha says
I think she is Just ttyong to be independent Sincé you let her for #1 she problably thinks she can her self for #2. And doesnt get why she still needs help. My daughter is 5 and she still wants me to clean her after #2. She gets rashes easily but i check her underware to make she its clean when she goes to school and before i take her a shower and tell her when she isnt cleaning properly.
Hillary Nichols says
I love this article. I work for CASA of CGS and this is a very important issue that parents do neglect to teach and talk about with their family. Kids need to be taught right from wrong and that is no different from this issue, it needs to be taught. I will be posting this on our Facebook page this week, thanks! http://www.facebook.com/casaofcgs
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
Oh, thanks so much for your positive comments and for sharing!
Nicole Hendrickson says
I was doing some research on how to do a talk to so 6-10 year olds- I usually talk to adults and youth about sexuality and found this to be very useful especially #4 and the edited note. Very important information to anyone. Thank you so much for sharing!
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
So so glad you found it useful!!
tracy says
As for me, i like to be very concious of those my children are close to. Sometime ago, i was worried about one of my daughter’s teachers because he was always stoping by to ask after her. So i did a lot of searching and found this site called BackgroundInstantReport360.com, which allowed be to carry out a background check on him. The result: he came out clean and that eased my worry a bit. I’ve had to do the same a few times with some people in my neighbourhood too and i’m glad i did. This doesn’t take away all the risks our children face everyday but it’s a great precausion to take, because people with a history of child abuse or harassment have a way of repeating it. So for those who are in a similar situation as me, i’ll highly recommend BackgroundInstantReport360.com
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
Thanks for that insight and resource, Tracy! I’m so glad it eased your mind.
cachay says
To Deb,
I can realy understand your frustration, I am not an expert ,but it could be that she was willing to do what he asked, because they were around the same age and he was not an immediate threat to her. On the other hand he knew to take her to a secret room, pretend to read books, and close the door. The little boy actually knew better and how to fool adults, thats what gets me. I guess if you tell her that body parts are things that you share when you get married, not when you are kids. Maybe you could start there with telling her why they can not touch each other now.
deb says
Thanks in advance for any tips!
deb says
I have been with my daughter 24/7 for 5 years…no nannies or family to help…no preschool….just me and my daughter and my hubby after work and weekends. We have always been open and discussed what to do and what not to do if she were to ever encounter inappropriate touching. The doctor quizzed her about it, and he said he never had a 5-year old answer the questions so perfectly before. Now she is in Kindergarten…and today…we went to a friend’s house with a 6-year old boy. He took her to his room and immediately locked the door. His mom and I broke in and they seem to be OK. So we sat in his room and they wanted to go to a “secret club”…so they went in the bathroom (in his bedroom), and I was telling his mom I am not comfortable with them closing the door. So I opened it and they were reading books. OK. Phew. He closes the door, and I explain again I am not comfortable with the door closed…and a few minutes later, my daughter comes out of the bathroom and said that they touched each other’s privates. I was right there! WTF!? I wanted to strangle him and scream at her! But she told me, so I took her by the hand, and said, “first, thank you for being honest and telling me; second, you know you’re not supposed to show or touch each other’s privates”. We hung out for about an hour in the living room….then left. In the car, I repeated what I said at the house, and she said “why can’t we touch each other’s privates?” And I was not sure how to answer her. We have always told her not to…but never said why. And I don’t know how to answer her. This is not a predator situation. It’s kids being curious. I am trying to find children’s book that talk about this…why it’s not appropriate. I don’t want to skew up my kid. At bed time, she asked me to tell her daddy. I said I wanted to tell him later, and she said to tell him now. So she went in the bathroom, and I asked him to remain calm (because I knew he would flip and blame me). I told him and he walked out of the room and hasn’t talked to us. I put her to bed. Now I am trying to find something on this subject. I am shocked that she participated! I am happy she told me. But after years and years of role playing and trying to calmly teach her to keep her privates private…why was she so easily convinced to do touch his penis and let him touch her? Ugh!
Kyri says
Hi deb, I am so sorry to hear that your husband didn’t want to hear about the incident. I do hope he come round and helps explain to your daughter just like you have the reason why it’s important not to be touched or touched even by young children. Good luck and thanks for sharing your story.
Mamaof2 says
It’s a scary thought, however where did that child that wanted a “secret room” learn those things? Maybe someone was touching him inappropriately? That would definitely cross my mind.
Anonomyous says
Deb,
I speak from experience in being the child in your daughter’s case. I am not a mom yet but just like you and your husband my parents were amazing. When I was 3 1/2 a neighbor boy who I had played with my whole life came over. We closed the door, and he wanted to play a game his older brother(6) told him about. Playing doctor it is that curiosity that made the situation happen, however both of our parents called our pediatricians. The main thing that they recommended was no more one on one time with the child. I know I was younger than your daughter but I do remember that day, but because my mom and dad thought I didn’t remember I actually thought it was a really creepy reoccurring dream. I asked out of the blue a couple years ago I’m 26 and my poor mom had to have her heart broken again.
I think you should definitely talk about it and just tell the truth, that the boy and she as well may have been curious about the body of the other gender. DO NOT let her feel any more guilt than she already does. In order to do that you all have to move on with new ground rules.
The thing I would watch for is if her self confidence drops or if she does not show any declaration in planing events with others.
As I said I am a happy 26 year old, college graduate who shares this experience but is not scared by it.
Erin says
One awesome thing I learned reading Gavin DeBecker’s *Protecting the Gift* was to also make it clear that no one should be asking your child to touch them (the adult or other person) in their swimsuit areas, or with the kiddo’s mouth. So simple and important, but easy to overlook! Thanks for this list!
Savanna says
Like Kassandra, my daughter has special medical issues that require a lot of “interference” in her private areas and I also don’t know what to do. I really worry about what she is learning in terms of other people’s access to her body. 🙁 Does anybody have advice or resources on this wrinkle?
Krissy @ B-InspiredMama says
First, I’m sorry that you have those medical issues to complicate the matter. I certainly don’t have any expertise in that area. But I would think that it would be very important to have your daughter understand the different kinds of touches since it’s inevitable that there has to be some appropriate touch. Maybe conversations about what the difference is between appropriate and inappropriate tough in her case?
Kassandra says
I’m verry concerned for my daughter 2 yrs I have talked with her a little bit about good touching and bad touching but recently she has ben having continued rashes in and around her vagina and so I or my husband had to apply medicine 3 times a day. I talk her through the process but feel like all that I say about bad touching is going out the window because of the constant time spent in that area. Like any pedophile could use it as an excuse. Is there anything I could say to help continue to teach her about touching without this ruining her views on it?
Anonymous says
We teach our children the song “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes” and then let them know that we don't look at or touch any one between the shoulders and the knees or allow anyone to look at or touch our bodies in those areas either. We also teach them that looking at those places in any form opf media is also nt ot happen! It gives young ones a concrete area and a little music always helps them to remember what they learned.
Anonymous says
This was very interesting and helpful. I have a 2 year old and hadn't even thought about starting to raise these issues, but now I see how important it is and have some good starting ideas. I agree with “anonymous” re: the diaper issue though, as I have to force my baby to let me change hers sometimes and don't know how to reconcile that with the ownership of one's body issue. 🙂
Sea Mama says
First of all, thank you for publishing this article. I hope that every parent and caregiver reads this. I see too many parents, even within my extended family, doing things that go against these philosophies (like forcing a child to kiss their grandparent). My daughter is only 17 months but she knows that her body is hers. If I ask for a kiss and she doesn't want to give one, I tell her that that's totally ok.
Something to add is that, IMO, a child should feel comfortable with their bodies. My daughter is to the stage of touching her privates when on the potty or being changed. I never admonish her for it but if there's poop I just let her know that she needs to wait until Mama gets the yucky poop cleaned up. I feel like too many people make a child feel bad about their privates by telling them that their privates are yucky or bad for them to touch.
anonymous says
I try to teach that private parts are special parts that need to be taken care of. For my daughter we talk about how one day if she has babies they will come through her vagina, so it is a part of her body to protect. That is why we don’t touch our private areas (usually she does it with dirty hands and has had yeast infections, if she is exploring her body in the tub i am not concerned.)
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
I love that way of explaining the importance of her vagina. Thank you for sharing that!
Anonymous says
I am having a hard time explaining to my young child they have ownership over their body and not let people touch them inappropriately and then struggle to change his diaper when there is poop everywhere.
Does anyone have any tips on that? He will always fight a diaper change tooth and nail and it makes me feel like a hypocrite.
Anonymous says
Potty train him! You can start as early as you want, all it takes is consistency! Don’t let it scare you, just state it as a fact, we are going to potty train now and spend time with him on the potty reading books and talking. It’s not at all hard 🙂
Caitica says
You could try differentiating between cleaning/ medical necessity and touching for other reasons.
“I am touching your private place now because I take care of you and it’s my job to keep you clean & healthy. If someone who does not have that job touches you here for no reason, then you need to tell me/ other trusted adult.”
I know that that has some holes in it, but just a suggestion.
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
That is exactly what I do. Once my kids are beyond diaper changing, when I need to clean them or put medicine on in their private areas, I always use that as an opportunity to talk with them about that being their private areas and that I am only touching there for those reasons, etc. Thanks for sharing!
Anonymous says
As a survivor of childhood sex abuse who now has a 7yr old daughter of my own (and another on the way), I am very happy to see that this is being talked about. I started talking to my child right away, using the correct terms for her body parts, giving her ownership of her body (no hugs or kisses if she didn't want), and just simply talking with her about EVERYTHING. As she has gotten older, I have also shared with her that when I was her age, a grown-up man touched me in my private areas and hurt me very badly. I obviously never went into any detail, but I shared because as I child I received the generic information from my mother as well, and was still too afraid to tell her. Telling my daughter has opened up lines of communication that weren't there before. She understands that I went through it, that I never ever want her to go through it, and that I WILL stand up for her no matter if it's a family member that touches her or not.
Brenda says
Hi, I'm glad to see this. I have grandsons that I worry about now. I used to worry myself sick over my own children. I was molested physically and mentally for 13 years beginning at the age of 3, so this has always been a fear for me. I think my comment would fall into the pornography category but will mention it anyway. I think it is important that children know what is visuaally inappropriate. I am unsure how to approach that without actually showing them, but one of the things I encountered was the predator in my case masturbating in front of me on purpose in situations where I couldn't get away… in a car alone while driving for instance. It's just so awful that we have to worry about children this way. They are so innocent and this shouldn't be an option for anyone to do to a child, but sadly, it is a reality.
Anonymous says
I've also told my son that he never has to be scared to tell me when it is happening from a “trusted” adult ie, grandparent, cousin, sibling. I've also added that he should never be scared the person will kill me or his dad because the bad person is just saying that because he/she is a coward!
Kimberly Howard says
Thanks for this post and guidelines.
Anonymous says
Thanks for this topic. From a mom that's been there : if your child comes to you and tells you that something like this has happened to them, breathe, stay calm and let them see by your reaction that it is a good thing that they told you. Then find them the help they need. If you respond by crying or anger at the perpetrator they will perceive your reaction as a negative towards them and be less open about further discussion. I am glad my child felt comfortable coming to me. It is scary. But there is help.
Lara says
Parental reactions are so critical. When my sister was young, an older student pinned her down and touched her inappropriately. She told our brother, who in turn told our dad. Our dad was furious. My sister was in her room listening as my dad fumed and yelled at my brother “Who did it? Where does he live?” It makes sense from a parental perspective, but my sister thought she got our brother in trouble and regretted telling him. Luckily it never happened again, but if it had, she may not have told anyone.
anonymous says
so well put. Also, please don’t keep what happened in the dark. Talk about it with your kids and trusted friends. Darkness hates light. After my kids were molested all the horror stories I heard from loved ones were about how their sexual abuse had been kept a shameful secret or an ignored event that they felt was not dealt with. The shame and confusion I heard about was devastating. But sexual abuse can be turned into a positive if we use it to empower our children. Make them feel like they are values and they deserve better treatment. Make sure they don’t feel damaged as so many victims do.That is how victims get caught in a cycle of continues abuse. My hope is that my 4 year old will know that if anyone messes with her again, she can tell and action will be taken against her abuser.
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
I love this advice! It is so important to teach our children to channel that into something positive and empowering.
Mamaof2 says
I would like to add as an abused child, molested by her father. It is of huge importance we learn the signs of abuse so we are aware of why our child is acting so different. Sudden personality changes, sleeping problems, burts of anger…When a child is abused they tend to withdraw themselves from certain activities and sometimes don’t like to physically hug or kiss the abuser. It’s important to always talk about what they did and tell them that if anyone made them feel bad by touching them that it is not their fault! I had so much guilt within me and no one to talk to because it was my own father. Standing up for your child is huge. Making them feel safe and loved is so important.
Kiki says
Thank you for posting this.
Chrissy @ The Outlaw Mom Blog says
The swimsuit rule seems really easy to teach and follow. Thanks for including what worked for our family 🙂
Chrissy @ The Outlaw Mom Blog says
Wanted to add that I definitely see – as other commenters pointed out – that the swimsuit rule is not the only way or the best way to deal with the subject, but had never heard of it and wanted to comment that it was one interesting way to bring up the subject.
Joslin @ Just Batty says
Thank you for this discussion and opening the topic! I work as a therapist with both victims of sexual abuse and child sex offenders and agree with so much of what has already been said!
In addition to role playing how to say “No” (#10) we should also role play how our kids are going to tell us if something does happen. I know of a situation where the child tried to alert his parent, but didn't have the words in his vocabulary to express what he was really meaning and so the parent didn't dig deeper until more trauma had already happened.
We also need to have discussions about pornography with our kids! It is too easy to make the jump from what they see to what they act out. Pornography creates physiological responses our children are not developmentally ready to deal with and understand. Pornography is SO easily accessible these days. We need to be teaching our children to talk to us about what they may see and what to do if they are shown pornography.
And, last, you should do a “10 Tips: What to do if Your Child is Sexually Abused” -sorry for so much input, I'm just so excited to see this topic being discussed!
anonymous says
I would love to see a 10 tips for what to do if something happens. As well as stories of families that dealt with sexual abuse well and had positive outcomes in the short and long term. I know so many wonderful people who were abused, but most of them went through a lot of darkness to be where they are today. I would be so encouraged to hear what has worked for people to avoid that darkness when dealing with their abuse.
Sandi says
It is such a difficult topic. Children need to know who they can talk to also. If it is someone in the family abusing a child then the child may not feel comfortable coming to their parents. They need to know their teachers also are there to help them.
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
Such a good point, Sandi! Thank you.
Caitica says
I just want to second the porn/ images issue. I teach middle school. Most males have their first encounters with porn between ages 10-12, females a bit later, but parents typically do not talk to their children about sexual images (if at all- I was never spoken to about it) until they are 14-17.
It is also so important to speak to children about what to do if someone exposes themselves, but there is no touching involved. “If you see somebody else’s private parts, you should do your best to leave/ stop looking/ tell the person to stop and tell a trusted adult as soon as possible.” This phrasing opens it up for multiple scenarios- from walking in on an older sibling masturbating to porn to a predator situation.
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
YES! That is such a great point. About talking with kids when someone exposes themselves. Sexual abuse comes in many forms!
Tee says
I am so grateful for this! I really have learned a lot from the comments, too. I am so worried about my kids and what they may experience in the future, so I want to teach them the best way I can. Thanks everyone!
Krissy Sherman Bonning says
I am SO GLAD that it can be of help to you. This is exactly what I wanted this From the Mouths of Moms series to be – a forum where moms can learn from one another without judgement. Thanks for visiting, Tee; you made my day!
Anonymous says
The “swimsuit rule” frustrates me a bit because children also need to know that their mouth is a “private part” also. And as Liz said above in the comment that grooming often starts with back rubs or other kind of touching.
just my 2 cents
Krissy Sherman Bonning says
I hadn't thought of that, either, but sadly you are very right. I will be adding that to my discussions with my kids (and editing the post to add it, too!)
liz rivera says
Thank you for posting about such an important topic…I might add one thought…I work in Child Welfare and we generally teach that the “swimsuit rule” is potentially dangerous as most predators who have an on-going relationship with the child (teacher, coach, relative, clergy…) will not begin by touching the child in the sensitive areas, but will begin by rubbing their back or stroking the hair–and children, because they are literal creatures, will think “well, I don't like it, but it must be okay because it's not covered by my swimming suit.” And then by the time the predator moves to the sexual areas, it may be too late as the grooming process is fully underway. So, we recommend the line be ANY touch/space intrusion that makes the child uncomfortable (as stated in the 9th tip). It may also easier for a child to disclose touch that is not in sensitive areas that will allow us to catch potential problems earlier.
Thank you again!
Krissy Sherman Bonning says
Oh, Liz, thank you so much for sharing that! I wouldn't have even thought about that, but you are so right. I am going to edit the document to ad that tip in. I love that we are able to have this conversation and learn from one another!
Kim @ The Educators Spin On It says
It's such a sensitive topic but something we need to discuss with our children. Especially now during the summertime as we send them off to new places such as Summer Camp, Swimming lessons, Vacation Bible School, Playdates with unfamiliar people. I'm so glad a few others joined in to share their ideas on how to teach our children to be safe.
Krissy Sherman Bonning says
That's a really good point, Kim, about the Summer being so busy and an important time for kids' to understand this concept. Thanks for contributing!
Anonymous says
As a 40+ mom myself, I had to chime in! No crickets on my watch:). Parents of boys need to realize this teaching is just as important for their boys! Many just brush it away, thinking they'll talk about it “later”. I found it best to address questions about bodies early and often. It IS
Essential that parents and children feel comfortable with correct body part names early on, so that those teen talking points are just a continuation of the ongoing conversation & not a”special talk”. I'm a mom of a 13 year old & I can tell you, that approach has paid off many times already! I'm also an early childhood educator, and I'm still shocked at how many young parents are still not
Teaching proper body parts by the age of six or having those frank but relaxed , open talks. Thanks for the reminder!
Krissy Sherman Bonning says
Oh, I'm so glad you did share your perspective. Sometimes it's hard for us with young kids to look beyond today at what is ahead (teenage years – AH!). (Oh, and I'm sorry I state it wrong, I meant that I have over 40 mamas that I ask these questions of, not 40+ years old. I adjusted the wording so it's not so confusing. Thanks!)
Anonymous says
As difficult as it is to discuss this with kids, I think most people are good about explaining that people shouldn't touch their private parts. However, I learned from Gavin DeBecker (who appeared on Oprah) that you should also discuss that your child shouldn't touch others. Predators will say things like, “Don't worry. I won't touch you. You touch my…” DeBecker wrote a book “The Gift of Fear” about trusting your own instincts and “Protecting the Gift” about keeping children safe from predators.
Krissy Sherman Bonning says
Oh, yes, that's such a good point. I would have never thought of that. Thank you so much for sharing. I will surely be adding this point to my discussions with my kids.
Rachel says
Hi Krissy.
Can you recommend good parenting books to educate parents on how to teach and approach safety touch to their children.
In addition, what good books to teach children in pre k are suggested?
Thank You,
Rachel
MaryAnne K says
Excellent post, Krissy. This is a tough topic, but so important. Love this series!
Jess says
I read a book to my daughter 4-5 years back. She then disclosed that her Grandmother had touched her and she “didn’t like it.”
Well we now have an investigation starting and I’m having a hard time finding the book I used then.
Inappropriate touching and appropriate touching was explained very well- It could of been a web site I used.
I’m looking for help. Does anyone have a book that they can recommend for