Parenting The Explosive Child

This post has affiliate links. All opinions are authentic and my own. Please see my disclosure policy.

When I Realized I Had an Explosive Child

I’ve been there.  (Some days I’m STILL there!)  I was at a breaking point.  So easily frustrated with my easily frustrated and angry child.  Every little thing was a battle – a fight – and he was NOT growing out of it.  I needed some advice, some kind of plan, something – anything – I could put into action.  And then I found this book: The Explosive Child: A New Approach to Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children by Ross W. Greene.  This book was the first parenting book that seemed to really GET me and my child.  And it was the first parenting book where some of the advice and parenting strategies really helped.  Let me tell you about it…

Who Is The Explosive Child For?

If you have a child like mine – easy to frustrate, argumentative, rigid in thinking, resistent to change, difficult to calm – you NEED this book.  But if you have a child that is only sometimes like that (and don’t we all?), you can still learn from The Explosive Child.  Here’s why:

What Does The Explosive Child Teach?

In The Explosive Child, Greene emphasis the importance of understanding the root cause of the child’s difficult behavior.  And reminds us that “Children do well if they can.”  This statement changed me as a parent.  And not just as a parent to my “explosive” child, but as a parent to all of my children.  It reminded me to look at my children’s behaviors as their reactions to situations and not as WHO THEY ARE.

[Tweet “Children do well if they can. – from the book The Explosive Child”]

And it helped me to realize that my “explosive” child was not CHOOSING to be this way…

“The children about whom this book is written do not choose to be explosive – any more than a child would choose to have a reading disability – but they are delayed in the process of developing the skills essential for flexibility and frustration tolerance.”

YES!  I could tell that my son’s outbursts hurt him just as much as me.  I KNEW he was not just being manipulative.  And this book UNDERSTOOD!

Next, Greene outlines how to find and strengthen the skills that your child is lacking – language processing skills, emotional regulation skills, social skills, etc. – that are the “pathways” to his explosive behavior.  And he sprinkles in lots of sample scenarios and conversations, too.

Once you’ve identified your child’s pathways and triggers, Greene recommends that you look beyond standard reward and punishment programs (at least for these children) and try Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS).

What is Collaborative Problem Solving?

While Greene goes into more depth in The Explosive Child, here are the basics of CPS.

• There are 3 Plans – Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C – to deal with unacceptable behavior.
• Plan A = Handling the problem by imposing the adult’s will.
• Plan B = Collaborative problem solving with the child.
• Plan C = Giving in to the child’s will.
• There is a time and place for all plans, but generally Plan B works best.
• There are two types of Plan B – Emergency and Proactive.
• Try to be proactive and collaborative problem solve with your child when he is calm about recurring problems.
• There are 3 Steps to Plan B: Empathy, Defining the Problem, and Invitation to Brainstorm Solutions.

“Your role when using Plan B is that of surrogate frontal lobe. That is, you’re going to be doing the thinking for your child that he’s currently incapable of doing on his own; you’re going to serve as his tour guide through frustration. … Once you’ve taught your child the skills he needs to successfully navigate frustrations and demands for flexibility on his own, you’re fired.  Who fired you?  He did.  Why’d he fir you? Because children do well if they can.“

Greene gives lots of example conversation and collaborative problem solving techniques to “practice.”  But since reading The Explosive Child, and after a little practice, I find myself integrating some of these techniques more naturally into my parenting.  (Although after writing this review, I’m thinking I’m going to re-read the book for a refresher!)  While this book was a HUGE help, reading it also helped me to see the difficulties that my child was having as a developmental delay.  It gave me the confidence to pursue the diagnoses and get the help that he we need to fully understand and deal with it.

Looking for More Parenting Books?

This parenting book review is part of the Mama’s Best Parenting Books Blog Hop.  Over 12 of my blogging mama friends have recommended and reviewed over 25 more parenting books for you.  Here’s where you can check them out:

• The Explosive Child (B-Inspired Mama)
• Wiring Kids for Success in Life (Trilingual Mama)
• The Contented Toddler Years + Routines: The Contented Little Me Says ‘Why’ (Words n Needles)
• Discipline Without Distress (One Time Through)
• Mom’s House, Dad’s House + Parenting Through Divorce (Lemon Lime Adventures)
• Positive Discipline A-Z + 5 Tips for Positive Discipline Parenting (Look! We’re Learning!)
• Real Boys (The Jenny Evolution)
• Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids (Dirt & Boogers)
• Smart Parenting for Smart Kids (Planet Smarty Pants)
• Raising Unselfish Children in a Self-Absorbed World – A Parenting Book About Teaching Kids to Serve (This Reading Mama)
• Bilingual is Better + Foreign Language for Preschoolers (Camilla and Roman)
• Awakening Children’s Minds and Raising the Emotionally Intelligent Child – Emotionally Intelligent Parenting (Line Upon Line Learning)
• Potty Training in a Weekend (Words n Needles)
• The Out-of-Sync Child – The Ultimate Sensory Processing Disorder Resource (Sensory Activities for Kids)
• 12 MORE Books for Moms (Teach Beside Me)

So do you have an explosive child, too?  Do you think this book would be a help?  Or do you have any other parenting book recommendations? 

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This post has affiliate links. All opinions are authentic and my own. Please see my disclosure policy.