Encourage Sibling Bonding
Can’t find time to read all of those parenting books and magazines? Don’t have a lot of mommy friends to bounce ideas off of? Kids go crazy every time you get on the phone to ask a friend their advice? No problem; I’ll do the work for you!
In this series, I bring you kid-tested tips and parenting solutions for a specific parenting challenge “from the mouths of moms.” We’ve already shared lots of tips for dealing with picky eaters, getting kids to sleep better, ensuring stress-free play dates, cooking with kids, and potty training success. Now here are direct quotes from a diverse group of mom bloggers (with kids of all ages and tons of ideas) to encourage sibling bonding. Yep – meet your new mommy friends!
Alright, Mamas, how do you prevent sibling rivalry and encourage sibling bonding?
1. Teach Respect
“From my own sibling experiences as a twin and younger sister, I would say as a parent (and my mother would agree) foster respect as a parenting goal and that will feed into sibling relationships.” Marnie from Carrots Are Orange
2. Encourage Empathy and Understanding
“Having a sibling is also a perfect way to teach empathy and understanding. There are opportunities almost every day to show my kids the importance of being flexible…you know when they have to leave the playground because their sister has dance class.” Jennifer from Kitchen Counter Chronicles
3. Model Positive Sibling Relationships
“My husband and I are both lucky that we have great relationships with our siblings and still see them on a regular basis. I think showing our children what great friends we are, even now as adults is helpful in promoting positive family relationships.” Deborah from Learn with Play
4. Don’t Leave Anyone Out
“If I see two of the kids playing happily together, I make a point to check on the third to see if this would be a good time to spend time alone with him or her.” MaryAnne from Mama Smiles
5. Take Turns with Dad
“Bedtime for us is quality time, at the moment we’re taking turns so one night my husband spends quality time with J whilst I spend it with T and then we swap. They know the pattern and it’s obvious when it goes wrong for what ever reason as the following day we have problems.” Cerys from Rainy Day Mum
6. Really Listen
“[I try to] always listen and let them explain and taking their feelings and argument seriously, too.” Maggy from Red Ted Art
7. Find Common Ground
“With a boy who loves trains and a girl who is obsessed with Barbies, it can be hard for them to find common ground and agree on play activities. So I try to pay attention to what activities and toys they do enjoy playing together (like playing house, reading books, or doing puzzles and games) and encourage those activities whenever I can.” Krissy from B-Inspired Mama
8. Create a Sibling Book
“We created a special sibling book to help build their relationship. It also helps them both to understand the types of activities that they can do together.” Kim from The Educator’s Spin on It (Kim has more great tips for sibling fun here!)
9. Let Them Fight (And Make Up)
“Let your children work out their own battles. I learned a lot about solving my own problems and how to communicate through my sibling rivalries (to this day!!!).” Marnie from Carrots Are Orange
10. Don’t Let Objects Take Priority
“[I] don’t let [my] children prioritize objects over siblings. My kids know that if they fight over something – be it a toy, movie, or computer game – they will lose the privilege of using that particular object.” MaryAnne from Mama Smiles (Read MaryAnne’s other awesome tips for raising kids who get along.)
11. Honor Their Individuality
“I have 2 daughters, 8 & 6 years old, so I have always been concerned about sibling rivalry. I have been amazed at all the little differences between my girls. My approach has to be to honor them as individuals, respect their different needs and desires.” Jennifer from Kitchen Counter Chronicles
12. Tune into Interests
“The most important thing I have learned with a teenager and twin toddlers is to tune in to what their likes, dislikes and differences are and try to recognize a little of each with each child most days.” Jodie from Mummy Musings and Mayhem
13. Go on a Date
“DH and I take turns doing special outings with only one or two children – and as they get older we plan to have more parent-child dates.” MaryAnne from Mama Smiles
14. Check Yourself
“I only have 2 kids. But when they are ‘really fighting,’ I try and look at us the parents and see how we have been with them lately. Quite often with mine it is about jealousy about OUR time. So if my son is playing up more, I try and give him extra quality time with me or Daddy or make a fuss of him.” Maggy from Red Ted Art
15. Encourage Communication
“We have a routine at dinner time of asking each other about our favorite and least favorite parts of our day. We get to learn more about one another and even settle some differences (usually related to the least favorite parts of the day). The kids love it and always remind me if we forget.” Krissy from B-Inspired Mama
16. Sit Back and Relax
“On the days when everyone wants the most attention all at once….I just sit on the lounge and offer cuddles and songs….even the teen joins in!” Jodie from Mummy Musings and Mayhem
17. Promote Family
“I try to talk to my kids often about how we will always have and love one another because we are family. And that even when we get mad at one another or fight, we still love one another.” Krissy from B-Inspired Mama
Do your kids get along? How do you encourage sibling bonding? I’d love to hear your tips in the comments below!
Kellee Nelson says
My two girls, nearly 4 years apart, never fought as small children. They even shared a room for a few years. But now they are almost 16 and 12 and they are just not friends. It makes life for my youngest lonely. Her sister treats her like she’s an annoyance. I don’t have much wisdom to share because we’re still working through this. The one thing we have found that does work, if only temporarily, is to let them adventure together. A few months ago we let them take a city bus to a shopping center they wanted to go to, just the two of them. We’re on vacation together now and my hubby and I are again searching for ideas to help them enjoy each other. Their common interest is ice cream- I think we’ll have them go in search of some today while we sit and enjoy some coffee. Any other tips are much appreciated! My brother and I are also ; years apart, and very good friends who love each other’s company. That’s why K had them 4 years apart!
Krissy of B-Inspired Mama says
That’s brilliant advice for older kids like yours! I notice the same with my kids. Independent time facilitates bonding far better than family time. We just have to keep their adventures and independence close-by while they’re young.
Kennie Kidwell says
Thank you! After reading this, I reflected on my experience with raising my 4 children. I can relate with everything you have stated here. My grown children, now, are as close as they were when they were young people. They are all best of friends. I have three boys then my youngest is my daughter. Coming from a family of two girls who’s parents did not encourage a solid sibling relationship, I was determined to have a positive, loving family atmosphere. All four kids grew up well-
mannered, well-loved, well-cared for, well-groomed, learned that family, and each other, were extremely important…bonds grew, ones that now, can never be broken. Today, my children are getting married and I look forward to what the future holds for them. They continue to support and love one another even though they all do not live close, they are close in spirit! Thank you for your article.
Krissy of B-Inspired Mama says
I love that this led you to reflect on your own children growing up and the strong sibling bond you helped them develop. Way to go! It’s tough work for sure!! But so important, and thank you for this comment reminding us all who are still “in the thick of it” that there is such reward in the end. <3
Demi Shannon says
Great post.. Sibling relatability and engagement varies based on the number of years between them and gender. It is critically important to demonstrate and express appreciation to siblings for thier involvement in rearing and emotional support. This will foster stronger bonds within the family across time despite circumstances.
Amber says
These tips are amazing and I am definitely going to try them out with my kids. ? But I do have 1 question that I hope you will be able to help me out with, my son is 6yrs old and I have a 10yr old step son and I am always dealing with them fighting and lying on each other EVERY SINGLE DAY and because of it it makes it very hard for me to try and spend time with them and with their 2yr old sister, do have any suggestions on how I could get them to get along better and not fight so much?
Thank you so much in advance.
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
Do they have a common interest that could unite them? A toy, game, activity, cartoon they both like? Or is there one you could introduce to them that you think they would both like? Maybe something like that. Also, maybe trying to reason with the 10 year old, as the older child, as to being a role model for his little brother. Maybe trying a positive reinforcement system with rewards for his positive interactions with his little brother?
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
Would you mind if I post this (anonymously) on my Facebook page to ask for advice for you?
Deanna says
One thing I have tried to do with my kids is to help them find better ways to resolve an issue. When they are fighting over something, not only do they lose whatever it is they are fighting over, but then I make them both come up with a better way to handle the issue (instead of grabbing the toy from a sibling and running away, try asking nicely for a turn, or offering to share one of your toys in exchange for the desired toy) I want to teach them good behavior in addition to discouraging bad.
Grace says
My daughter is almost 5 and son is 17 months… we are in the midst of the possessiveness stage right now!! We make sure that we don’t always expect the oldest to give to the younger.. it is important that the younger also learn that he cannot always have his way! When I was pregnant with my son we tlked alot about how my dsughter is going to be a big sister and that she and the baby will be team mates one day. Now when she is not being very nice or is grabbing we remind her that they are allies and that she needs to show him how to treat her.
kristen says
I too bought the ‘I’m a big sister’ book and my 2yr old loves it! Her lil sis is now 5 mo old and she is 3 and recites parts of the book when I tell her that baby sis is too little for things. Best.Book.Ever. She loves being involed in the care of her sister, she even helps me with undressing her, diaper changes and holding the bottle. She loves it! I think involving them from the very beginning is important. Ultasounds and all.
Cody Marie says
Kind of wish I had known this stuff growing up. I always felt bad for my brother being surrounded by three girls, he often would go out with friends instead of spending family time and I would as well… but part of that was we were all so far apart in age now Im 24 my brother is 19 One sister is 14 the other sister is 7, even now the two youngest girls fight a lot and seems like they are both fighting for attention. Will definitely take this to heart when my kids come along.
Suzanne @KawarthaMums says
Great tips! This is definitely going on our Kawartha Lakes Mums Parenting Pinterest board!
jamie says
I would add “have them serve one another.” From the day my youngest was born, I gave the big boy opportunities to serve his sister by fetching diapers, and throwing away dirty ones, and giving her pacifiers or toys. Not only did this help me, but it taught him that both he and his sister are important parts of our family, and families take care of one another.
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
Oh that is such a great piece of advice, Jamie! Thank you so much for sharing!!
Jessica says
My kids have a fabulous relationship, I don’t really think we did anything special, except make sure they love and support each other.
My son was 8-1/2 when my daughter was born and we made sure he didn’t feel left out because we had a baby (which meant attending a baseball game at 3 days post c-section LOL!). We’ve still never missed a single game or event for him and his sister is his biggest fan. Now that she’s involved with gymnastics and dance he was the most excited to go watch her because he knows how she loves to watch him. As we “speak” the are lying on the couch together watching a movie.
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
Isn’t it the best to watch your kids interact and love one another?! Sounds like you did all the right things to lay a solid framework for them and their relationship. Way to go!
Stacy says
Thanks for this list! It has some great ideas!
I also think that it's important for parents to expect their kids to get along. When we were expecting boy #2 I was worried when a friend told me her older boy didn't like the baby. She then listed off all the reasons why. When I mentioned to my mom my concerns she said it was a lot of how the parents reacted. As I've been watching my two boys I realize that is a great part of it. If you tell the older brother that the baby is being a pest – he'll believe that and say it too. If you try to reason with the big brother that the baby is trying to be big like him – it's suddenly a totally different situation and big brother doesn't grow up resenting his younger sibling. When people ask I always say they are best friends – even if they're having a rough day. So they always know I think of them as best friends.
My boys don't always get along but over all I would say that we have a serious case of hero worship at our house. But I don't know which is more worshiped – baby brother or big brother. It really makes me happy to watch them together. Hopefully they'll stay good friends as they grow up.
Anonymous says
I always make my babies (4 & 2) say a prayer together to start the day. They pray to be nice to each other and share their toys 🙂 It really helps and now it is just a part of their little routine.
andie jaye says
some really amazing tips here! thanks so much for sharing at tip-toe thru tuesday!
Krissy Sherman Bonning says
That's such a good point, Krista, that they learn how to interact with those that they love by watching our example! Great reminder.
Krista says
I have two boys who are 4 and 2.5 years old. I've worked really hard to foster a good relationship between them, and it shows! I always remind them that their brother is their best friend, and that they need to treat them nicely so the brother will want to be their friend. I have also noticed that I need to watch the way I speak to them and treat them more than anything else. If I have been impatient or short tempered with them, they tend to be the same with each other. When I am patient and loving, they are much more patient and loving to each other. They learn how to relate with people through watching their parents, so being a good example is really important!
Becky Worley says
Can't say enough good things about the book “Siblings without Rivalry” practical tips and big-picture help to create great relationships and a peaceful home.
Krissy Sherman Bonning says
Oh, I'll have to go see if my library has that! Thanks for the tip, Becky.
Lucy's La La Land says
I am having a ton of Arguments with my 4&1/2 yo and 2 yo boys, I am definitely going to try to teach that people ( each other) are more important than things! Thanks for the great ideas!
Krissy Sherman Bonning says
You're welcome, Lucy. I hope it helps!
Jenni Fischer says
Great list. Rachel – I have boys almost exactly the same age difference. My boy was 21 months old when his baby brother was born. We had a big, I'm a Big Brother by Joanna Cole (there are lots of other good books) that we read to the toddler while I was pregnant, and we talked to him about it a lot. I also made sure to have him be very involved right after the baby was born, and we were very attentive to him-it helped having my mom here for about the first month b/c then there were 3 adults for 2 little ones. That way, we made sure that big brother also got attention. Also, letting him sit next to me and have a snack when I nursed the baby or reading a book with him while I nursed was important b/c that often is when they feel left out. It was sweet – one time the baby was crying and the toddler came up and pulled on my shirt and said, “eat, eat!” Now that the baby is 10 months and my toddler is 2 1/2 – we struggling with sharing, but we just keep encouraging my toddler (it's a possessive age, even when there is no younger sibling) and reading books where characters share. Oh – another thing my toddler always likes is getting to “help” with the baby, so he'll bring a diaper or will get to pick out clothes for the baby. These things help a lot. Also (this was mentioned above), but make sure your 2 year old still gets time just with you! (I usually put the baby to bed, or daddy puts the baby to bed, and then I read and cuddle with my toddler and put him to bed).
Rachel K says
These are great tips but does anyone have any advice about how to encourage relationship with a new sibling? My son will be 2yrs 2months when his baby brother is born in October. I am concerned about the jealousy issue and also I have to integrate them into the same bedroom!! Any advice would be welcome (esp. from anyone with 2 boys, or a similar age gap)!
MaryAnne K says
Rachel, my first two were 21 months apart, and my second and third were 19 months apart – so a smaller age gap, but not that different. My biggest tip is to make a big deal about the baby being your first child's younger sibling, and how cool that is – and to praise them for helping with their sibling, and emphasize that the younger sibling is learning from them, because they can do so many neat things that the baby needs to learn how to do.
Our biggest problem with room sharing is getting a very young sibling to not poke the baby in their crib – not a big problem when they are asleep, but problematic for naps, and sometimes in the morning. We invested in a video monitor so we could keep the bedroom door shut and still keep an eye on the baby during nap time (usually had the toddler nap in my room), and moved all the kids' toys out of their room so that the toddler didn't have much incentive to be in there during nap time.
I love having kids close in age now – they play beautifully, after a tough first six months or so! Good luck!!!
Krissy Sherman Bonning says
I agree with MaryAnne on emphasizing how the baby will learn from the older kid(s). I think my kids really love the idea that they get to “teach” their baby brother about life. And just making special time for them when the baby naps or when you can get a sitter.
Deanna says
When I have had a new baby, I have always tried to encourage the older siblings to help as much as they want and are able. I find ways to include them in caring for the baby (like helping me gently pat their back to help burp them and sitting with me and helping hold the baby), find ways to make sure that they are still getting my attention (for example, I keep a stack of kids books where I nurse and read to the older child, while i feed the younger.) I also spend a lot of time telling them how helpful they are being and what a good older sibling they are. If the older sibling feels that they are still a necessary and loved part of the family and feels a connection to the new baby, I think that helps with a lot of the sibling rivalry issues. I have 5 kids and have never had any problems with resentment over the new babies. Good luck!
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
Such great advice from a mama with experience! Thanks for sharing, Deanna!
Olivermom says
I agree with the other moms on . Mine never shared a bedroom but I’d like to add something I noticed and acted on that seemed to help. My son was 19 months when my daughter was born. What I noticed was that I was often telling him I would do what he wanted/needed after I finished “with her turn” (changing diaper, nursing, etc.) On some occasions, even while she was sleeping, I would turn to her and say, “I’ll “check on you”, “change your diaper”, “feed you” in just a minute. It’s “his” turn right now.” At the time, she didn’t know any difference but it sure helped him know he was just as important as her.
Krissy @ B-Inspired Mama says
That’s a great way to word it for little ones. Thank you for sharing!
Jode says
You put these together so beautifully…i really enjoyed reading through them and thanks for adding us in! I'm learning so much from this series of yours!
Krissy Sherman Bonning says
Thanks, Jode. I couldn't do it without all of you!
Chrissy @ The Outlaw Mom Blog says
I was just talking to my mom about sibling rivalry because my brother and I never ever fought as children. We didn't fight until we were over 18 and in college! I want my kids to have that same relationship, so I am going to have to force them to love each other – haha 🙂 Seriously, though, I think that honoring each child's individuality is very important. Lots of great tips here!
Krissy Sherman Bonning says
Thanks, Chrissy. Your mom was so lucky! lol
Kim @ The Educators Spin On It says
What a great resource for parents! I know I will be referring back to this time and time again this summer as my youngest starts to interact more with big sister so we can have a bonding summer! Amanda just shared an adorable gender reveal party that her children created for their new sibling, it's another great way to start sibling bonding during pregnancy. http://theeducatorsspinonit.blogspot.com/2012/06/gender-reveal-party-whats-it-going-to.html
Krissy Sherman Bonning says
Thanks, Kim! That gender reveal party is so sweet. I wish now that I had mentioned in the post that I think sibling bonding really starts when the sibling is in the womb!