There I was, like any other night, tucking my 5 year old into bed, when I see tears in his eyes. “Mommy, I don’t want to be buried in the ground when I die.” And it hit me, I had never really explained death or dying to my him. I guess I just thought that I would deal with it when I had to. Well, it was obvious by his emotion and fear that NOW was that time. I thought quick and explained death to him in the best way that I could. But I’m still not sure if I said all the right things. So I thought it would be interesting to hear from other moms how they deal with children and death.
Children and Death
Mamas, what are your tips for dealing with children and death?
1. Accept All Emotion
“My grandma died last Christmas, and my older boys were very close to her. It was hard for them. We explained to the boys that GG is in heaven now. We reminisce about the special memories we have of her, and sometimes we cry together. I always try to be very open and communicative with my children, and I think it pays off. They get it. They know it’s okay to be sad and mourn her, and that it is also okay to be happy and remember the times we shared with her.” Allison from Train Up a Child
2. Chose to Talk in a Calm Place
“Talk with your children about your [deceased] loved one in a comfortable, familiar, quiet place. We chose a special place in nature. My loving aunt compiled a remembrance package of my grandmother—a book my grandmother wrote, precious photos taken by another aunt, and a doily my grandma made for each of her descendants. She crocheted many of these—she had 12 children, who had children…who had more. I shared this remembrance package with our children in our own contemplative woods. Choosing this special place to share these memories created another memory—a memory of peacefulness with our sadness.” Heather from Word Play House
3. Be Honest
“We try our best to be open and honest with our children. A few years ago, my mother lived with us when she was living with cancer and when she died we tried our best to explain to our children the reality of illness, treatment and ultimately death. By being honest with them, we hope that we are taking the fear out of death. Now we share stories about my mom, at times we cry, but most of the time we laugh. Death is a natural and unavoidable part of life.” Jennifer from Kitchen Counter Chronicles
4. Share Memories Through Photos and Songs
“Goblin was really small when his Poppy died (grandfather). We took Nanny to stay with us for a few days and she was sitting with Goblin in the back of the car and she started to cry. Goblin wanted to know why so we explained that she was sad because Poppy had died and we weren’t going to see him any more. We show Goblin photos of Poppy and tell him what songs he used to sing to Goblin, and we have taken him to see Poppy’s grave.” The Monko from Taming the Goblin
5. Always Be Open To Questions
“We talk openly about it and support any tears, fears, questions whenever the topic does come up. We also talk about how our WISH is to live a long, healthy life together but no matter what we will always be in each others’ hearts.” Ariadne from Positive Parenting Connection
6. Send Balloons to “Heaven”
“JDaniel’s GranDan died a few years ago and he know he has gone to heaven. He likes to send balloons to him every now and then. All balloon go straight to heaven he has told me.” Deirdre from JDaniel4’s Mom
7. Read Children’s Books About Death
“Story books [about death] are a great things to turn to when you are looking for resources, they help to open conversations with your child and make it okay to talk about things.” Kim from The Educators’ Spin On It
8. Learn Through Pets
“I think owning pets over the years helps children have a better understanding of death and prepares them for when it might happen to adults or children around them.” Kim from The Educators’ Spin On It
9. Learn About Different Religious Beliefs
“I chose not to raise my children with any specific religion. So when explaining death, I tell them that we don’t know for sure what happens, but that different people believe different things. And I use it as an opportunity to teach about religious diversity and acceptance.” Krissy from B-Inspired Mama
10. Teach That Love Is Universal and Never Dies
“I think the one piece of advice that transcends all religions is to tell children that people die, but love never does. The love you received from the person who died is always inside your heart. The love you gave them is always with them.” Danielle from 52 Brand New
Do your kids understand death? If so, how did they learn about it?
Do you have any clever parenting tips or fun kids’ activities? I’d love to share them with my readers. Just contact me for more information!
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My Website says
The difficulty in dreams, bad dreams or night terrors is the fact they are really all strictly with regards to the private decryption it includes for those people with the dream. Two people have a quite similar dream but convey completely different things regarding each other. So that you must keep a balanced view when analyzing the material inside the dream.
Vicky says
Marci,
What a bitch comment to make, wow.
Christy says
This is a great list. Thanks for linking up to tip-toe thru tuesday.
Mama Nature says
We believe that through meditation, journey and dreams the spirit world becomes like a second home… So when the time comes- its hardly fearful and in fact is more of an honor and a great reason to take care of this earth and all living things. In a way respecting current life forms is also a way of respecting and mourning past life forms. I hope I made sense! This is a favorite subject of mine! So glad I found this post!
Mama Nature says
You may consider calling it “crossing-over” into the spirit world? Although I know you said you don’t raise your child with any religious preference- you may find that they discover this world on their own because (we believe) every thing has a spirit and a connection to this world. Happy Journey! <3 Mama Nature
Mama Nature says
Death isn’t a subject we avoid here. We believe in the spirit world (spirit animals, ancestors and even fairies)! We believe everythng has a spirit from animals to rocks. (and “death” or “crossing-over” is just a part of a cycle- and this is why we must be kind to every thing we come in contact with- it could be our sister, grandma or cousin). We dont just see a physical world like we have been made to understand. We believe in using prayer forms such as mediation, journeying/visions, and dreams to better understand our place in the spirit world. It is not scary for us. We call it “crossing-over”. We talk about it often! In fact we believe that someday (possibably as an elder) we will cross-over into this world and we spend our life preparing for this by becoming more familiar with this world thro meditation, journey, dreams and simple listening. To us it isn’t as unknown or scary but to us it is an honor! Because we believe in growing not only our bodies but our spirit as well and we spent time getting to know that part of ourselves and how it relates to the spirit world. And I teach this to my children very young in life and we don’t have the problem of fear because we are too busy growing and exploring! <3 Mama Nature (wander, wonder)
Krissy @ B-InspiredMama says
I love this spiritual perspective, Mama Nature! It closely aligns with my spiritual beliefs and I’ve gotten some great tips for exploring the concept of death with my kids. Thanks for contributing. 🙂
Mama Nature says
Thank you! I had no idea I was so passionate about the topic of “death” (at least I never looked at it that way – and when I do it sounds morbid and creepy- but it’s not)! I don’t know if I make any sense as their is like this general mainstream idea that seems to leave me being misunderstood because the society is so used to this “one view” and “one perspective”. But when I saw death and fear in the same sentence I couldn’t help but jump on that! I can’t stand to see people so fearful!
Bonny @ thedomesticatedprincess.com says
Thanks for your list. My mom is losing her battle with lung cancer, so this topic has come up with my three children who are school-age. I’ve been keeping in contact with their elementary school counselor, which is helpful to me as well, so don’t forget resources like that. When they were younger, we would send up balloons to my best friend’s son in heaven on his birthday.
Krissy @ B-InspiredMama says
I’m so sorry to hear about your mother, Bonny. And you are SO right about remembering the resources available like school counselors. Looks like I’m going to have to write a follow-up post with some more tips from moms like you. Thanks for contributing to the conversation!
The Monko says
another really great post Krissy. I’m pinning this to the Sunday Parenting Party and sharing on my FB page. thanks for linking up
Dawn @ PricklyMom says
My grandma recently passed away. My boys, ages 3 and 5, knew her, but it wasn’t an essential relationship, so we have been able to talk openly about her death. I told the boys that when a person gets very old, their body stops working as well as it used to, and then eventually stops working altogether, and that’s when the person’s spirit leaves the body behind and goes to heaven to live with God. That made burial seem less daunting since I stressed that the body is not YOU (your spirit is), so it’s not really the PERSON who is being buried, just the body they were using while they lived on Earth.
A couple side notes: my Grandma was cremated, and we decided to fib and just make as if she was buried (my husband and I thought the image of somebody burning up in a fire would be too scary, even though it’s STILL just a body…). On a lighter note, since my Grandma died around Halloween, my 5 year old kept asking to see her skeleton (“do we get to see her skeleton NOW??”). It was good to lighten up the mood at the memorial service!
Krissy @ B-InspiredMama says
I think that was a good call not talking specifically about the cremation. But my little one was really scared about the thought of the body being buried as well. It’s so tough for them to not take it so literal and think of the body as a vessel rather than the person. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Alixsandra Marine says
My 6 yr old granddaughter spotted my son’s (her daddy) urn on my dresser. She asked what it was. I told her it was her daddy’s body, cremated, and that his spirit is with us – like the love you can “feel” in your heart but can’t see. She accepted that, and asked if she could see the ashes. His ashes and bones are separated into plastic sealed baggies (imagine Meet the Parents and the urn scene – no losing any of those ashes). My granddaughter asked if she could touch them. I told her, of course. She stroked them with the back of her fingers, and then with the tips of her fingers. I told her that Daddy’s ashes are also encased in a heart inside her “Daddy Bear” (sold specifically for little ones to place ashes sewn inside). She was glad I let her feel her daddy’s ashes, and asked if one day I could get a heart necklace to put Daddy’s ashes, like her auntie (my daughter) has on a necklace. Honesty, in my opinion, is the best policy. She didn’t freak out, she didn’t flinch, she didn’t ask how the ashes came to be, she doesn’t realize the burning process, etc. One day she’ll ask, and we’ll discuss is openly and tenderly with loving care. I think explanations are age appropriate. Kids are more receptive than we give them credit for.
Kelli says
When my grandfather died two years ago, we explained to my young sons that when a person’s body doesn’t work anymore, they leave it behind. Some people believe they go to heaven and others believe their spirit lives on in our hearts and memories, but in any case, the thing that made the person a loved one…their smile, the nice things they did with you, their laugh isn’t in the body anymore. This made the funeral much easier and my oldest son, then age 5, was able to comfort my grandma. Not even two weeks ago, my father died in an accident. My sons knew right away that he couldn’t use his body anymore because it was broken beyond repair, but that it was ok, because he left it behind.
Krissy @ B-InspiredMama says
I’m so sorry to hear about your father, Kelli. It sounds like you’ve done a beautiful job of preparing your children for an unfortunate life experience, though. That is basically how I explained it to my son – that the body is just a carrier of a “magic” that many call the soul. The “magic” still lives on in our hearts, memories, etc. And the body isn’t needed anymore. Good luck with your boys.
Deb @ Living Montessori Now says
Thanks for sharing some great ideas about teaching children about death. I always liked to use books along with open and honest communication. I also like to encourage children to create an “I Remember” book because children are often afraid they’ll forget the person who died. I have a free printable in this post: http://livingmontessorinow.com/2012/06/05/talking-with-children-about-death-creating-an-i-remember-book/. I pinned your post to my Helping Kids Cope Pinterest Board.
Krissy @ B-InspiredMama says
I think recording memories is SO important, too, for anyone, not just children. Sometimes I’m really sad at the thought that I cannot remember my late Grandmother so well anymore. Thanks for the link to the printable!
Amata Iarda Di Chiesa says
What about parents who pass away, Moms & Dads when children are still young?
Krissy @ B-InspiredMama says
I can’t even imagine a young one having to deal with such a tragic event. But I know kids sometimes do. I would imagine it would depend on that families particular spiritual views on death, but I think it would just be VERY important to create many ways for that child to remember and celebrate the positive experiences with their parent(s). And to also know that they are part of the legacy that helps their parent(s) spirit/soul/influence live on the world.
Violet says
A lot of these are really great ideas! A friend of mine creates a “whisper doll” for their loved ones who pass on. The doll has a pocket where her children can place notes to their passed loved ones or they can cuddle the doll and “whisper” things to it that they want to tell the person who is now gone. I thought it was a great way to show them that even though someone has died- we are still connected to them and can still speak to them whenever we wish.
Krissy @ B-InspiredMama says
That does sound like a great idea. I especially love the idea of the pocket to house little notes. Writing can be such a fantastic therapeutic experience for anyone, even children. Thanks so much for sharing this, Violet!
MamaNature says
Lovely, I’m creating a whisper doll for myself! I miss my grandma and think of her often- but have never made a doll in honor of her well journeyed life! Her wisdom can live on! Thank you! This will be good medicine for me and someday my children as they need it!
Katie says
Many parents want to avoid this conversation as long as possible, so it’s great that you’re thinking about this! It’s really important to remember that children’s understandings of death depend on their developmental level. Infants and toddlers don’t have a concept of death, they just react to the loss and separation. They can also sense grief in parents and can be disturbed by changes in routine. Preschoolers usually see death as temporary and reversible, more like a “sleep,” and they often believe that bodily processes (like breathing) go on after death. They have magical thinking, so their imaginations may come up with their own explanations for things. Not until around age 7-9 do children understand that death is final, irreversible, and inevitable. It’s also normal for school-age kids to be interested in any gruesome details. And adolescents understand death but usually see it as a distant event. No matter what, it’s important to be honest and to use concrete explanations instead of other phrases (e.g., “pass away”), which may confuse the little ones who are so literal!
Krissy @ B-InspiredMama says
Thanks so much for that great information about development and the concept of death, Katie. It is definitely important to consider each specific child’s developmental level when discussing difficult subjects like this one.
Marci says
Please don’t “Send Balloons to “Heaven”. Although it seems like a great idea, those balloons end up some where and it is surely NOT heaven. Most likely it descends into the oceans some where and create more garbage sitting around that our planet does not need.
So please do not send balloons off into the sky. What goes up most definitely comes down sooner or later.
Krissy @ B-InspiredMama says
I wondered about this, too, Marci, when I created the post. But wanted to include as many mom’s viewpoints as possible. But thank you for the input and reminder.